Everybody deals with insecurity. There's no exceptions. At some point or another someone, whether it's someone you care for or someone you don't, will say something that will degrade you or make u feel worthless, even if only for a second. When faced with these insecurities most people try to find ways to relieve it. The only way to do that is with an ego boost. So you can imagine, with a self esteem as low as mine, when that decent looking, cocky junior came to me and cast the line.. I took the bait. I knew who he was, and I knew he was a douche bag. I knew he had recently broken up with someone. I knew that he was using me. And I knew that if I ended it I would go right back to being alone and sad and insecure. So i let it take its course. I let him insult me... I let him pressure me into things I wasn't ready for even though I claimed that I was. I let my insecurity control me and take away the only thing that was really important to me. Which was finding a compatible, loving relationship. A week later I was dumped. and inevitable consequence of dating someone who doesn't really care about you. I was devastated, I shouldn't have been, but I was. My friends watched me cry about this boy who made me feel like shit when we were together. But somehow not having him there to make me feel like shit made it worse. Because now there was no reaffirmation of my insecurities. All the things I worried about, being ugly, being annoying, being too needy, being too nice, being too mean, being conceited, being insecure, were confirmed by him when he was around. There was a comfort in knowing that I was everything that I feared that I was, because then I realized one thing I did have was that I could see it. With him not around to tell me my faults I felt like everything was up in the air. The things I was so sure about started to stop sounding so true, and that scared me because it was scary to think that I could be something pleasant to think about, someone worth loving.. but then to find out all over again that I wasn't worth anything. This boy messed me up. I couldn't deal and for a whole week all these thoughts were running through my head. I was so fragile and weak, and I was more insecure now, than ever before. So when he told me he wanted me back I accepted with open arms. This lasted for 4 days. You cannot be with someone who doesn't care about you. This time I was more accepting of the split, but only because we agreed to stay friends which really meant he was still around to bully me. I let him bully me for a month after we broke up for the second time. It wasn't until I met someone else that I realized that all the pain was caused by me. I didn't have to let him treat me like that. I could've been stronger, and I could've walked away. But I didn't, because I wanted that confirmation. I wanted the security of knowing I was insecure for a reason. But now I realize that is no way to live. Everyone feels bad, and everyone has flaws, but if we let our flaws control us.. they overshadow the greater percentage of positives that encompass us. If we only just accept the flaws and accentuate the perfections.. then insecurity will be insignificant.
